my fitbitpic

I thought this blog could use some pictures, so that is me, writing and trying to write slowly my novel, I don't really know where it is heading, i just keep on swimming, and inshaAllah I will get there somehow.. please pray for me..

the 2016 feeling

It kinda feels like I am back in 2016. About 12 years ago (omg has  it been that long?), I pursued my Msc in Statistics and I am almost everynight on my laptop doing work, my thesis, research, sometimes online chatting with my long distant boyfriend (right now husband), while listening to music (Snow Patrol was a hit back then) and blogging. I would do this almost every night before I go to bed. And I blogged a lot. Tapi idak le glemer macam vivy yusof (hahaha).

When I look back, my life was pretty simple. Still is though. But whatever I have, I am thankful. I guess I it doesn't take much to make me happy.

alhamdulillah I feel like slowly I am getting thing together. I try my best to keep up with the routine, try my best to be consistent, although not everyday that I achieve my target, there are days that are average, but I guess sometimes it's ok not to reach you target. As long as you keep on moving, and keep moving forward.

I am still with my block everything for 20 minutes rule. And I can only do this after everyone is asleep. If not, I cannot even get 10 seconds by myself hahaha

so enough of muscle flexing. Time to get down to the real stuff.. writing.. wish me luck!

the spring cleaning

Not everyday is a great day. As much as you want it to be, it just isn't. That's real life. I am not saying I had a bad day. In fact, I'd have to really think hard and long to remember if I ever had any in a while.

But saying everyday is a great day is just a bit too far fetched for me. Today was an OK day. It's been 8 days without any social network activity, today I logged into Instagram via website and not through the app (because I uninstalled it), not because of gian on anything, it was only because I wanted to message a friend and I don't have her phone number, so I had to message her via IG.

I would say I did a lot of work done since I logged myself out of IG. I managed to do some filing today, I gave away some old clothes of the kids, I am slowly doing my annual Spring cleaning, since spring really is coming, so we need to change to old boring winter clothes and bring out the bright colored clothes out.

At times, I do picture myself having completed my novel, even though sometimes I feel like omg are you for real. Well, whatever it is, just keep swimming.

This is me, flexing my brain muscles. (I am gonna try to spend 15 mins blogging before I do my actual writing.)

till then. (She said to no one is reading)

the blessing in disguise

hah! my last post was almost a year ago! how pathetic is that. I knew it. whenever March comes, I will be all, ok shit is getting down for realsies. for years it has been like that. I bought my laptop in March 2016, full swing semangat to write a book. And I did write, still am writing now. But then I got pregnant so I had to put writing at the back burner. Then March 2017, I was still getting used to having two kids. Writing was a sometimes or whenever I have the time, which is no time, kinda thing. And now March 2018. I decided like omg quit making excuses! I am not getting any younger, if I ever want to have this book deal a real deal, I have to up my game.

I started to think really hard what was wrong with me. what is my problem? I am a housewife, I can soo do this. Then it hit me slowly and surely. I spent too much time on social media i.e Instagram whenever I am not spending time with my kids. I spend time with them a lot so I felt like I deserve some break at times. Social media or mostly instagram was kinda like my me-time. It was easy, I don't have to do anything. I don't have to go out. I just scroll scroll or post somepictures or Ig stories.  now that i think of it, I was wasting too much time. So I thought, ok, I need to do something about it. But it was just not happening. I still curi curi tengok jugak. Until something happened and that was it. I decided to take myself out of this social media deal and just live in the real world, #ITRW.

Starting end of February, I archived most of my pictures and slowly decrease my time spent on IG. Then, started 1.3.2018, uninstalled my Instagram. I don't have FB app and I seldom log on to facebook so that was not so much of a big deal. It felt empty for the first two days, like whenever I pick up my phone to check my instagram feed, it wasn't there and I had to say to myself, 'deal with it'

After a few days I got used to not having instagram on my phone. In fact, I was starting to feel free. I was starting my social media cleansing. I felt no longer toxic to the social media world and my mind became so free. I managed to read more and I started writing again. I have the 20minutes block rule. I block everything and write for a whole 20 minutes. It feels great! Bam! ideas came flowing and I was and still am typing! my laptop was on fire! and with fitbit monitoring my activities, and now that I am slowly tengah ganti puasa. It feels so great alhamdulillah. I managed to get so many things done. like so many! today I didn't even look at my phone. Ikhwan called me a few times just to check if I was ok.

All I am saying is that, thanks to that thing happened, now I feel so free and relaxed and I can get more things done. I finally transferred the pictures from my phone to my hard disc, managed to organize my kitchen, the kids's closet, rearranged stuff in the house, and it's only been six days. Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful for this blessing in disguise. I am not sure who will be reading this but if anyone who reads this, if you are trying to get off social media, I'd say, just do it. you will not regret it :) I am trying to see how long this can last. wish me luck!!

the write practice

The writer's block is really frustrating. I thought about how words used to just come to me like a flowing river. Now I can't get a decent sentence without rewriting it ten times before I stop writing altogether. What is my problem? I know I want this and i know that now is the perfect time to do it. But why do i keep on making excuses for myself. Or procrastinate till 'I am ready' or for the perfect story. I am ready. I have always been ready. My story will never be perfect. But at least if I write it, there will be a story.
While making my Karipap, I did some soul-searching and I figured out what was stopping me from writing. It's the distractions. The social media. I know I make silly videos on Instagram. I am fully aware that those videos are means to distract myself from writing. I was  making excuses for myself. I thought if I watched the videos of me talking to myself, I can see myself like an outsider. But my smartphone is only making me dumber. John says he decided to make his smartphone a dumbphone, where it only makes calls and sends texts. I should do that too. I am gonna do that too. I know I want this and I know I can do it. And I know what's stopping me. It's not the house chores or the taking care of kids. It's me. It's my attitude. So what if my writing sucks. I can improve. I can practice. I will just keep on reading, making journals and writing and blogging. Just to practice. I need the practice. So wish me luck. Thanks Sue from the write practice. You are right. Just write it. One word after another. It will come eventually. I believe it will.

the breaking news at breakfast

I can never forget that morning.  Me & Ikhwan brought AQ to the cafe for breakfast. Its always a good idea to walk after giving birth. We were filling up the forms, deciding on his second name, I was still torn between Omar or Rami. ikhwan went back to the room to take something and later came back saying that he had bumped into the doctor. He said that the doctor wanted to see me immediately. I thought it was weird, so said I will come over soon. He left me and AQ to take the forms but two minutes later Ikhwan came back again with the doctor.  I was so blur when the doctor was telling Ikhwan in German "you can tell her in English or German". I was like what is happening? I could feel my stomach aching. Ikhwan spoke to me in English telling me that they had to take AQ to the ICU because he had an infection. I was listening to what he said,  I was looking at his sad eyes as he was breaking the news to me.  It all felt like a bad dream because we were just saying to each other, if everything goes well,  we could go home the next day. The news completely changed our state of mind. We walked to the icu room together with the doctor as she pushed the small baby bed. I was still processing what was happening. I envisioned my days there in the icu,  how would they be like, I imagined my first child excitedly waiting for his little brother to come back, she is still too small to understand. They took him in as we waited outside. I heard a baby cry. I wasn't sure if it was him, I just knew him for two days.  My mind was imagining the worst,  what would they do  to my 2 day old baby,  which we have yet to give a second name at that time.  A couple of minutes later they said he was ready and we could come in. With a heavy heart,  we entered the ICU room, and as parents we had access at any time at all. I looked at him in the incubator, body covered with cables. He looked different.  He opened his eyes and looked at me,  from the cube. I wanted to hold him but I wasn't sure if I could. I had tears in my eyes as the nurse was explaining to me in German what those cables are for. And as parents, we are allowed to hold him,  feed him, and even change his diaper.  The nurse was nice and I can never forget her.  Schwester Gaby. A  small old lady with very thick glasses. Her hair was partially grey and black and shoulder length. She somehow reminds me of a character in the movie 'The incredibles'.  She wasn't that good with computers but she does an excellent job with the babies. I could see that she has done this probably a thousand times. She patted my shoulder and said 'don't worry we will take good care of him'. I am not a touchie person,  I often freeze when people suddenly give me a hug,  or suddenly brush my hand during conversations. But at that moment, her reassurance gave me a sense of relief.  He has been inside me for 39+2 days and to see him being in a cubicle with cables was heartbreaking.  God knows how hard I try to hide my tears. Everytime I try to breastfeed him, it was a struggle. I worry if I might screw up any cables or hurt him. He had one on his head,  which made it hard for me to change sides while feeding. Feeding time took longer as it was a bit more challenging,  the antibiotics made him sleepy so he sleeps during feedings.  Each feeding usually took me about 1.5 hours. There was a chair that I would sit for that 1.5 hours or more. It wasn't a comfortable chair to sit for more than 1 hour, with  newborn, who is trying to drink. But It didn't matter that I was hurting my back. It didn't matter if I wasn't getting any proper sleep, all that matters at that time, is that he recovers fully. Allah is great, after 6 days in the hospital, we finally could go back home. A child is a gift from Allah, an amanah,  that all parents should take good care of.  May Allah bless and protect all our children.  Amin. 

Writing Prompt 2 : On the other side of that door

83 pages of legal documentations, six months of running up and down the same building, 35 years of being alone and countless unanswered questions. Finally this is it. She sat anxiously on an empty seat in the middle of the empty hallway. She closed her eyes and took a long deep breath and exhaled slowly. It was probably the hundred-th time she did that just today and counting. Every breath that she took, she knew what she felt. She felt closer and closer to what she has been anticipating.

The long prayers, the sleepless nights, the pro-con lists, the counseling, the thinking, the rethinking, the weighing everything that gave meaning to her life, it all comes down to his moment. On the other side of that door is her end of time. She knew what was on the other side of that door would mean so much more that her life itself. She was ready for it.

Her thoughts were interrupted when a tall man with a black suit approached her.

'Frau Jensen, Kommen Sie bitte mit mir' He asked her to follow him

She stood up and took another long breath before initiating her steps. Every step felt heavier than the last. The walk along the hallway felt like the longest walk. In her mind, she imagined a thousand things, a thousand scenes. Every image left her smiling wider and wider, making her feel like this decision is the best decision she has ever made. Their footsteps interrupted her thoughts and finally they were standing in front of a room at the end of the hall. The man stopped and turned and prepared himself. He patted gently on his suit, clearing almost invisible dusts that might have been on it. He cleared his throat as a sign of preparing himself for the next step.

'Sind Sie bereit?' The question that she has been asking herself for the past six months. Are you ready?

She nodded with full certainty. Her eyes watched closely at his left hand that knocked lightly at the door. His knock was a sign acknowledging the person behind the door that they are finally there. He reached for the silver handle. Within that two seconds she thought about how many times he must've done this in his life. He looked so calm and emotionless as though this life changing moment for her meant nothing to him. The truth was, he was as nervous as she was. But he had to be professional.

The door was opened ajar, just wide enough for her to see the bright lit room and a person sitting on a sofa. There she was, for the first time in her life, she finally saw her. It was that exact moment when their eyes met, a tear dropped.

'Frau Jensen... hier ist Jannah' The man introduced her to the 10 year old girl who was sitting nervously at the sofa. She was wearing a simple blue dress and her hair was covered nicely with a black scarf. Jannah stood up and walked slowly to her, their eyes locked between each other. Through her deep eyes, she saw myriad of emotions. Pain, hope, fear, happiness, sadness.

She knelt down slowly. The moment froze. She smelled an unfamiliar yet soothing scent that came from the girl that was walking slowly but surely towards her. She embraced her with the warmest hug. She is officially a mother to an adopted Syrian Refugee named Jannah, which means Paradise in Arabic. It felt like paradise for the both of them.

'Assalamualaikum' Jannah greeted her.

'Walaikummussalam' she replied. It was that moment that she finally understood what it's like to be a mother.

The man in the suit witnessed this from the corner of the room. He could not help but feel happy for them. In his heart, he never forgot about his long lost son, and hopes to hug him once again,,,