the passion

When you are in your mid 30s, you sometimes wonder "where did my time go?" You wake up in the morning and do all you routines, you are so bogged down with work and life and then suddenly you are already in front of the couch changing channels or browsing through netflix deciding what to watch till it's time to go to bed. Tomorrow you start a new day but the same routine, in and out. Sometimes you go for a short trip, or maybe a long one to destress. Probably meet friends for coffee, go for a jog or do something that makes you happy. But is there something you are passionate about?

I know of a guy who is so passionate about things, it's amazing to see him learn and dedicate his time on what he is passionate about. That guy is my husband. He was born playing games. Computer games, consoles, PS3, you name it. I think it's in his genes. I was never a tech kinda person. But he is. We kinda found a meeting point when one day I told him I used to love playing board games with my siblings. We bought our first board game, it was Risk. He kept on losing cause I have "magic hands" on rolling dice. It frustrated him cause he hates losing hehe. Our second game was Settlers of Catan. He also lost a lot of times because, again, of my magic hands. The third game was Android Netrunner and I never won this one because he was good. He crushed me so bad so many times but nevertheless I had fun playing with him. It's been almost 3 years and we have almost 100 board games in our collection. At night we would spend time playing board games together. I enjoy it a lot although sometimes it's frustrating especially when I lose. Hehe.

Recently he bought for me a telescope. He kept on asking me "bila nak beli , bila nak beli?" I said I am still saving up money to get a decent one. One day he said, you should really get a telescope. I asked why? - Cause it's something you're passionate about. He got it for me instead cause he knows I'm gonna take forever to get one (I am like the total opposite of an impulsive buyer. I am a pulsive buyer (is there such a word?) Sometimes I take years to decide on buying just a pair of shoes).

He knows me well. If he was into games, I was into celestial events. When I was 13, there was an eclipse of the sun during school time and everyone made a big deal about it. I wondered, what's the big fuss? It was during the total eclipse that I saw day time turned totally dark just like night time and was blown away by it. I started taking an interest on these kind of events. One time, I went star gazing at school and saw Saturn and it's rings and all its moon. It looked just like those pictures you see in the Internet, I got to see it through a lense of a telescope. Till today, I still remember that image in my head vividly. I saw the crack on the moon where it was being mentioned in the Quran (54: 1-2). It was unbelievable but believable because it's true. When I was 16, for the first time in my life I saw 13 beautiful meteor showers. It was one of the most meaningful events in my teenage life. I once hung out the whole afternoon at Planetarium KL just to see the transit of Venus through the Sun. It's just a small dot travelling across the sun very very slowly but it's pretty awesome if you ask me hehehe. As I grew older, I started drifting away from these events. I guess I was caught up in the rat race or maybe other things were taking too much of my time. There's not much time to invest on hobbies because you can just sit or lay down and scroll on other people's life. See what they're eating, their holiday trips, their latest handbag or tudung collection, their baby shower decorations. Social network took up too much of my time I guess. But thanks to my husband, I am slowly realizing that I should pursue what I am passionate about. Sure I won't get a PhD in Astrophysics like Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali in The Big Bang Theory but I don't care. I am slowly learning and taking my time appreciating what's up in the sky. It's a beautiful thing and it makes me happy because I get to see and appreciate Allah's creation. It's so fascinating and beautiful. I am so grateful to be able to experience it. Maybe others won't understand how I feel but it's okay. This is what makes me, me.

According to Wikipedia, this is the definition of Nerd
"They may spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, obscure, or non-mainstream activities, which are generally either highly technical or relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities."

I guess I am one now.

So what is it that you are passionate about ? What makes you a nerd? :)

The what ifs

There will come a time in your life when you just kinda wonder the what ifs questions in your life. Having a statistics background I'd sketch a probability tree chart with all the possible events that might have occurred since post high school.

Everybody wanted to become a doctor in my class. Almost everybody did. Either a medical doctor or a doctor with a PhD. Some a very successful now and made it to the papers. I am very happy for them and I thought gawsh we used to sit at the back and slept through physics class together. It's so awesome to see where people end up now after so many years. So what if I did become a doctor? Although I know in my heart I don't have the brains, energy or thick skin to be one. Tgh darah pun dah nak muntah. Hahaha. I would probably be working this very minute I am writing this and still be working the time you are reading this. Ahahah  what if I continued working and didn't take that stop to pursue my studies, would my life be any different?  What if I didn't read that Friendster msg Ikhwan gave me asking to meet up for coffee? And after going through the list of all the what ifs in your head, things will start to get creepier. You just shake it off and come back to reality and present.

You conclude that there is no what ifs because things happen for a reason. You may not know it now but you will one. And the what ifs will then not matter anymore because things could have not gone any better.

Allah's plan are only the best.

the move, the boxes, Ikea and everything else

There's just something about opening boxes. The element of surprise, the anticipation, the pulling out the tapes from the box, the wait. it somehow feels like forever and time sorta pass by in slow motion till the moment you finish opening that box.

Since beginning of the year I have packed and unpacked about 200 boxes. I have moved twice in 2015 and it's only September. My whole life I have stayed at the same house since birth till I moved to Germany. And since then I have moved to 4 different houses. Ahahah people ask me, "it  must be stressful huh?" You think ? Haha but now I can laugh about it.

I guess there is just something about moving. What gets you motivated is the chance of starting a new life. It's like celebrating new year with a new resolution but you don't have to wait till new year's to do it. You'd wanna start jogging, have a proper routine, you'd wanna fill your new fridge with all healthy foods, have new kitchen stuff, new plates and new furniture. That's when Ikea comes in.

A trip to Ikea can be very tricky. You get all excited and start to imagine your house having that photo frames or scented candles that you don't need. You start filling your cart with all those small stuff like that vase that you so desperately need. Cause it's 15.99 je kan, why not? That's why my husband will always wanna come to Ikea with me. He will always say something like this, "do we really need another set of tupperware ke? Bukan dapo dah takde tempat ke". Towards the kitchen area tu laju je dia jalan. Hahaha.

And getting the items in Ikea. Hah. If you Watch that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon and her boyfriend pergi Ikea tu, memang it's so true. Couples will always bergaduh or keadaan tegang everytime kat hujung Ikea tu ahahah. It's like going on a roller coaster ride. During the showroom area you can see couples holding hands with dreamy faces, muka penuh sinar harapan. Tapi bila kat hujung tu mesti muka ketat je part nak amek barang and also nak load in the car. Hahahah. Happens everytime.

Well that's my story. I am here now in Erlangen again. I loved that house in Gmünd. Everybody knew everybody.kedai Turki dekat. Ada river. Life was like slow and steady. Rumah was awesome. Not to mention the houseowner is a good looking doctor who also owns a pharmacy and a part time modal and actor. Boleh tak? Ahahha

But this house is slowly starting to feel like home. And with that note I hope sangat I will get my mojo back, in writing.

On a different note, this day 10 years ago, me and Ikhwan went for bowling just as friends. And tengah gelak gelak buat lawak time main bowling tu, there was that one moment I thought, agaknya aku ni dgn dia mcm mane la lagi 10 tahun. Masih kawan ke, dah lost contact ke? It never occurred to me that we would be married, betapa nerd nya aku ahahah

But if ikhwan asks me, kalau kita pindah lagi u ok tak? For you yes, 1000 time yes eheehe

The laidback throwback

When you look back at old pictures, it sorta brings you back to the place and time of the moment that picture was taken.

I was searching for something when suddenly I stumbled upon some old pictures of when I first moved to Deutschland more than 5 years ago. The days of just me and my husband and all his guy friends. Our house was like the Malaysian Hall of Mannheim. Students would come and hang out the whole day and makan makan.

Our lives were so different back than compared to now. Slowly we became those couples who go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 5am in the morning. We appreciate sleep more and especially me recently, a good half and hour nap in the afternoon makes my day even more productive.

Alhamdulillah for the good times we had then.. InshaAllah greater days coming ahead..

The change

It was 10pm and I was frying cucur udang when I suddenly felt the urge to blog. It was a weird moment. I was quite a blogger some five to ten years back, despite my busy schedule while studying and work, I still managed to squeeze some time to sit in front of the pc or laptop and blog my brains out.

Times have changed. See now I am a mother to an almost 2 year old active eating non stop talking girl. The only time I have that I can really sit or lay down and do nothing is after everyone has gone to bed. Which is now.

This time next month I will be 34. I feel like suddenly I am in my mid 30s. when I feel like I am 28 since forever. I remembered, before technology was a big thing, I used to have thick journals and everything was in there. It was the safest place to write whatever I want without having anybody judging me because nobody could read it. Now we are somesort in a borderline in the middle kinda where you wanna write but not really wanna write cause you want people to know that you have something to share but don't really wanna share. So you come up with some phrase or quote or put picture just to mess with people's head. It's all twisted and confusing. Coming to my point, in my once upon atime thick journal, I remember how sincerely and honest my posts used to be. Of course, it was private. And I remember vividly how I once wrote how I imagined my life  in the mid 30s.

I had two scenarios, if I was married, I'd be staying at USJ and work at some insurance company in KL as an underwriter or an actuarist. I would have that 9 to 5 job , drive a Proton Wira and have a maid to take care of the house and kids. If I was still single, I'd still work at the insurance company, take my SOA papers and do my MBA and live with my parents.

So None of those happened. Haha. I never dreamed of living here in a land of foreign language, experiencing four seasons in a day in April and constructing sentences in my head before even saying it out loud to someone. Everday is a struggle, but a good one, I learned from experience. It doesn't mean that I am better than anybody else. I am still the same person. I still dance in front of the mirror to Britney's Hit Me Baby when no one is watching. I still have that blur face. Though a lot of things have changed, a lot still remained the same.

And by the end of this month, inshaAllah we will have another change. The big move to a new city, new place and new life awaits. I will miss Erlangen dearly. It's where my daughter was born, took her first step, went to school and met new friends. Three years went by so fast. I remember the morning when me and my husband arrived our new home. It was drizzling. We held hands feeling excited and also the weather was very cold. I remember watching the meteor shower from the windows of our room during Ramadhan and praying hard to have a baby and was pregnant three months later. The time when I ran home after I passed my driver's test. All these experience and memories I will cherish in my heart..

Feels good to be able to share this.