Angel

 Today my kids received presents (actually just chocolates, apples and oranges) from St.Nikolaus at school. My 4 year old son was so excited, when he got home he ran upstairs and wanted to share it with her sister (my 7 year old daughter). But only to find the house empty. It was not until another two hours that she would be back from school. He took something to bite while watching an episode of Ninjago. He got bored and started playing with his Legos. He doesn’t like to watch TV that much. As soon as he heard the door bell rang, he ran towards the door to greet his sister. It was such a heartwarming feeling to see them together, so close knitted. Despite the pandemic situation, 2020 brought them closer. 

He excitedly told her that he had saved something for her. “LL loves Oranges, so this one is for her” he had told me earlier, his eyes gleaming. LL took out something from her bag and showed him that she also received something from St. Nikolaus. Both of them laughed and there was a genuine moment of happiness that I saw in both of them. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah I said to myself. LL divided her chocolates with AQ and they both had an equal amount. She didn’t have to. But I am glad that she did. She had also saved one for me and one for Dada. As she was busy throwing the plastic packaging, AQ followed her from behind like he always does, like a shadow in the dark. What he said next broke my heart.. “This small one is for baby.”.. LL asked, “which baby?” He answered “our baby.” I heart LL paused before replying, “baby is no longer with us”. He then said, “I know. Baby is in heaven. When he comes down, I will give it to him”.. 

My heart sank and broke. 

He remembers.

Not many people know this, but I went through natural miscarriage last year. I wish no one would ever have to go through it because it was a traumatic experience. I was depressed and was constantly finding ways to make myself feel better. I needed to be fit and healthy for my family. But there are times that I would just lay there and cry, blaming myself for what had happened, thinking about the what ifs. 

“It’s not your fault”, the doctor said as I was about to leave the consultation room after she scanned my belly to confirm it was empty. Just a few weeks before I heard a heartbeat. But that day, I left with an empty sac and I could feel a part of myself was gone. 

I slowly accepted the fact that not all pregnancies end with a full term baby in your hands. I am thankful to Allah for the offsprings He has bestowed upon us, a pair of lovely and healthy daughter and son, and one Angel at the gates of Heavens. I am thankful to be born a Muslim and I believe in Allah’s plans for us. 

I think about it sometimes but I am better Alhamdulillah. Sometimes when we sit together as a family, I wonder if he/she was with us in spirits. My little angel would be about seven months today. 

It’s been more than a year. My kids were too young to understand miscarriages, still born or death. My daughter was in first grade, my son was not even three years old. But he still remembers, so does she. 

Al- Fatihah to our little angel. 

Wait for us at the gates of Heaven, InshaAllah . 

Disconnected

I feel so disconnected with myself. There’s a Pandemic going on right now and at the point that I am writing this I feel like I kinda hate everything. This does not happen often. I am by default a very positive person. But what is up with myself lately? Period? hormones? The big D word? DEPRESSION. I don’t know. Maybe I do have it, maybe I don’t. I try not to think about it that much. But one thing for sure is that I have lost all the positive energy. I decided to deactivate my Instagram account for a while because I hate myself. I hate looking at all those positive quotes and writing, it’s like I don’t even know who that person is. I just wanna stay like this, for a while. Till I return to my old self.

Until then, I just need to be like this.

uncomfortable thoughts

Ever since the death of Kobe Bryant, I have been thinking about death more often than before. It’s an uncomfortable thought. But I heard Ustaz Suhaib Webb said on his podcast, and also Imam Omar Sulaiman on his Friday Khutbah, both mentioned that we should think about death everyday. But I guess it’s not to scare us, more of a reminder. When you think about your own death, you will try your best to say things nicely, thinking that If I die the next second, I wouldn’t want that bad word to be the last word that I say.

It’s really unfortunate that it takes a death of someone so prolific as Kobe Bryant, to shake the world. All of the sudden, everyone is telling everyone else that they love them, apologizing to people. Allah works in mysterious ways. But in Allah we trust.

Be kind. Show love. Apologize and forgive people.