the write practice

The writer's block is really frustrating. I thought about how words used to just come to me like a flowing river. Now I can't get a decent sentence without rewriting it ten times before I stop writing altogether. What is my problem? I know I want this and i know that now is the perfect time to do it. But why do i keep on making excuses for myself. Or procrastinate till 'I am ready' or for the perfect story. I am ready. I have always been ready. My story will never be perfect. But at least if I write it, there will be a story.
While making my Karipap, I did some soul-searching and I figured out what was stopping me from writing. It's the distractions. The social media. I know I make silly videos on Instagram. I am fully aware that those videos are means to distract myself from writing. I was  making excuses for myself. I thought if I watched the videos of me talking to myself, I can see myself like an outsider. But my smartphone is only making me dumber. John says he decided to make his smartphone a dumbphone, where it only makes calls and sends texts. I should do that too. I am gonna do that too. I know I want this and I know I can do it. And I know what's stopping me. It's not the house chores or the taking care of kids. It's me. It's my attitude. So what if my writing sucks. I can improve. I can practice. I will just keep on reading, making journals and writing and blogging. Just to practice. I need the practice. So wish me luck. Thanks Sue from the write practice. You are right. Just write it. One word after another. It will come eventually. I believe it will.

the breaking news at breakfast

I can never forget that morning.  Me & Ikhwan brought AQ to the cafe for breakfast. Its always a good idea to walk after giving birth. We were filling up the forms, deciding on his second name, I was still torn between Omar or Rami. ikhwan went back to the room to take something and later came back saying that he had bumped into the doctor. He said that the doctor wanted to see me immediately. I thought it was weird, so said I will come over soon. He left me and AQ to take the forms but two minutes later Ikhwan came back again with the doctor.  I was so blur when the doctor was telling Ikhwan in German "you can tell her in English or German". I was like what is happening? I could feel my stomach aching. Ikhwan spoke to me in English telling me that they had to take AQ to the ICU because he had an infection. I was listening to what he said,  I was looking at his sad eyes as he was breaking the news to me.  It all felt like a bad dream because we were just saying to each other, if everything goes well,  we could go home the next day. The news completely changed our state of mind. We walked to the icu room together with the doctor as she pushed the small baby bed. I was still processing what was happening. I envisioned my days there in the icu,  how would they be like, I imagined my first child excitedly waiting for his little brother to come back, she is still too small to understand. They took him in as we waited outside. I heard a baby cry. I wasn't sure if it was him, I just knew him for two days.  My mind was imagining the worst,  what would they do  to my 2 day old baby,  which we have yet to give a second name at that time.  A couple of minutes later they said he was ready and we could come in. With a heavy heart,  we entered the ICU room, and as parents we had access at any time at all. I looked at him in the incubator, body covered with cables. He looked different.  He opened his eyes and looked at me,  from the cube. I wanted to hold him but I wasn't sure if I could. I had tears in my eyes as the nurse was explaining to me in German what those cables are for. And as parents, we are allowed to hold him,  feed him, and even change his diaper.  The nurse was nice and I can never forget her.  Schwester Gaby. A  small old lady with very thick glasses. Her hair was partially grey and black and shoulder length. She somehow reminds me of a character in the movie 'The incredibles'.  She wasn't that good with computers but she does an excellent job with the babies. I could see that she has done this probably a thousand times. She patted my shoulder and said 'don't worry we will take good care of him'. I am not a touchie person,  I often freeze when people suddenly give me a hug,  or suddenly brush my hand during conversations. But at that moment, her reassurance gave me a sense of relief.  He has been inside me for 39+2 days and to see him being in a cubicle with cables was heartbreaking.  God knows how hard I try to hide my tears. Everytime I try to breastfeed him, it was a struggle. I worry if I might screw up any cables or hurt him. He had one on his head,  which made it hard for me to change sides while feeding. Feeding time took longer as it was a bit more challenging,  the antibiotics made him sleepy so he sleeps during feedings.  Each feeding usually took me about 1.5 hours. There was a chair that I would sit for that 1.5 hours or more. It wasn't a comfortable chair to sit for more than 1 hour, with  newborn, who is trying to drink. But It didn't matter that I was hurting my back. It didn't matter if I wasn't getting any proper sleep, all that matters at that time, is that he recovers fully. Allah is great, after 6 days in the hospital, we finally could go back home. A child is a gift from Allah, an amanah,  that all parents should take good care of.  May Allah bless and protect all our children.  Amin. 

Writing Prompt 2 : On the other side of that door

83 pages of legal documentations, six months of running up and down the same building, 35 years of being alone and countless unanswered questions. Finally this is it. She sat anxiously on an empty seat in the middle of the empty hallway. She closed her eyes and took a long deep breath and exhaled slowly. It was probably the hundred-th time she did that just today and counting. Every breath that she took, she knew what she felt. She felt closer and closer to what she has been anticipating.

The long prayers, the sleepless nights, the pro-con lists, the counseling, the thinking, the rethinking, the weighing everything that gave meaning to her life, it all comes down to his moment. On the other side of that door is her end of time. She knew what was on the other side of that door would mean so much more that her life itself. She was ready for it.

Her thoughts were interrupted when a tall man with a black suit approached her.

'Frau Jensen, Kommen Sie bitte mit mir' He asked her to follow him

She stood up and took another long breath before initiating her steps. Every step felt heavier than the last. The walk along the hallway felt like the longest walk. In her mind, she imagined a thousand things, a thousand scenes. Every image left her smiling wider and wider, making her feel like this decision is the best decision she has ever made. Their footsteps interrupted her thoughts and finally they were standing in front of a room at the end of the hall. The man stopped and turned and prepared himself. He patted gently on his suit, clearing almost invisible dusts that might have been on it. He cleared his throat as a sign of preparing himself for the next step.

'Sind Sie bereit?' The question that she has been asking herself for the past six months. Are you ready?

She nodded with full certainty. Her eyes watched closely at his left hand that knocked lightly at the door. His knock was a sign acknowledging the person behind the door that they are finally there. He reached for the silver handle. Within that two seconds she thought about how many times he must've done this in his life. He looked so calm and emotionless as though this life changing moment for her meant nothing to him. The truth was, he was as nervous as she was. But he had to be professional.

The door was opened ajar, just wide enough for her to see the bright lit room and a person sitting on a sofa. There she was, for the first time in her life, she finally saw her. It was that exact moment when their eyes met, a tear dropped.

'Frau Jensen... hier ist Jannah' The man introduced her to the 10 year old girl who was sitting nervously at the sofa. She was wearing a simple blue dress and her hair was covered nicely with a black scarf. Jannah stood up and walked slowly to her, their eyes locked between each other. Through her deep eyes, she saw myriad of emotions. Pain, hope, fear, happiness, sadness.

She knelt down slowly. The moment froze. She smelled an unfamiliar yet soothing scent that came from the girl that was walking slowly but surely towards her. She embraced her with the warmest hug. She is officially a mother to an adopted Syrian Refugee named Jannah, which means Paradise in Arabic. It felt like paradise for the both of them.

'Assalamualaikum' Jannah greeted her.

'Walaikummussalam' she replied. It was that moment that she finally understood what it's like to be a mother.

The man in the suit witnessed this from the corner of the room. He could not help but feel happy for them. In his heart, he never forgot about his long lost son, and hopes to hug him once again,,,

Writing Prompt 1 : Everyone else was laughing

Everyone else was laughing

Almost everyone I knew was having a drink and probably too drunk to even construct a proper sentence. I was avoiding the crowd and standing at the corner of the ballroom when the DJ started playing Hoi-Fut-Ting-Hong from a famous Cantonese band, Beyond. Once the piano chords were played, people started to become melancholic and started hugging each other. Just like the scenes I always see in movies. It was the highlight of the night, the big closing, the ending of the Annual Sales Award Celebration. At that moment all I wanted to do was just accept my award and leave. The Emcee walked up to the stage and invited the Chief Executive Officer who was laughing hysterically for no apparent reason as he was approaching the Emcee. He, too, was very drunk. All I could think of was how challenging the year was for me. I was the most hard working Sales Officer in the region, and I deserve this award. Only that I didnt imagine it to be like this. I tried to shake my mind off the fact the I am different from them in all aspects.  Everyone else had their highway roads lined up perfectly in front of their eyes, they only had to drive through it. I on the contrary, had to use my own hands, pick up the bricks, build my own road, and then only walk through them.  And the roads aren't always nice and straight. I had it tough, and I am proud of my success. The moment came. Figures do not lie when you are in sales. They finally announced the name for the Best Sales Officer of the year.  It was me and I wasn't surprised. But everyone else was. The CEO particularly. His face changed as his eyes trailed my movement from where I was standing till the moment I approached him to accept the award. He paused for a moment to give me a good head to toe stare. I wasn't sure if he was still drunk or already sober. He pulled out his hand to give an insincere handshake and finally handed me the certificate and the award. The crowd was suddenly quiet and consciously witnessing the scene. the high beamed lights focused straight at my face. I felt I was being interrogated for a crime I didn't commit instead of being awarded. Upon receiving what the CEO handed to me, I nodded as a sign of acknowledgment and started to walk away. Just like The Flash, he pulled and spun me around. Next thing I knew, for a whole 8 seconds, he barfed all over me. Twice. I sorta just stood there and let that happened. I guess in their eyes I looked like a circus clown when everyone else was laughing hysterically. His barf was all over my one year worth of hard work. The road that I built with my bare hands was covered with Shrimp Lobster, Alcohol and God knows what. The ironic part was, I never felt more alive.

**It took me 40mins to complete this

the passion

When you are in your mid 30s, you sometimes wonder "where did my time go?" You wake up in the morning and do all you routines, you are so bogged down with work and life and then suddenly you are already in front of the couch changing channels or browsing through netflix deciding what to watch till it's time to go to bed. Tomorrow you start a new day but the same routine, in and out. Sometimes you go for a short trip, or maybe a long one to destress. Probably meet friends for coffee, go for a jog or do something that makes you happy. But is there something you are passionate about?

I know of a guy who is so passionate about things, it's amazing to see him learn and dedicate his time on what he is passionate about. That guy is my husband. He was born playing games. Computer games, consoles, PS3, you name it. I think it's in his genes. I was never a tech kinda person. But he is. We kinda found a meeting point when one day I told him I used to love playing board games with my siblings. We bought our first board game, it was Risk. He kept on losing cause I have "magic hands" on rolling dice. It frustrated him cause he hates losing hehe. Our second game was Settlers of Catan. He also lost a lot of times because, again, of my magic hands. The third game was Android Netrunner and I never won this one because he was good. He crushed me so bad so many times but nevertheless I had fun playing with him. It's been almost 3 years and we have almost 100 board games in our collection. At night we would spend time playing board games together. I enjoy it a lot although sometimes it's frustrating especially when I lose. Hehe.

Recently he bought for me a telescope. He kept on asking me "bila nak beli , bila nak beli?" I said I am still saving up money to get a decent one. One day he said, you should really get a telescope. I asked why? - Cause it's something you're passionate about. He got it for me instead cause he knows I'm gonna take forever to get one (I am like the total opposite of an impulsive buyer. I am a pulsive buyer (is there such a word?) Sometimes I take years to decide on buying just a pair of shoes).

He knows me well. If he was into games, I was into celestial events. When I was 13, there was an eclipse of the sun during school time and everyone made a big deal about it. I wondered, what's the big fuss? It was during the total eclipse that I saw day time turned totally dark just like night time and was blown away by it. I started taking an interest on these kind of events. One time, I went star gazing at school and saw Saturn and it's rings and all its moon. It looked just like those pictures you see in the Internet, I got to see it through a lense of a telescope. Till today, I still remember that image in my head vividly. I saw the crack on the moon where it was being mentioned in the Quran (54: 1-2). It was unbelievable but believable because it's true. When I was 16, for the first time in my life I saw 13 beautiful meteor showers. It was one of the most meaningful events in my teenage life. I once hung out the whole afternoon at Planetarium KL just to see the transit of Venus through the Sun. It's just a small dot travelling across the sun very very slowly but it's pretty awesome if you ask me hehehe. As I grew older, I started drifting away from these events. I guess I was caught up in the rat race or maybe other things were taking too much of my time. There's not much time to invest on hobbies because you can just sit or lay down and scroll on other people's life. See what they're eating, their holiday trips, their latest handbag or tudung collection, their baby shower decorations. Social network took up too much of my time I guess. But thanks to my husband, I am slowly realizing that I should pursue what I am passionate about. Sure I won't get a PhD in Astrophysics like Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali in The Big Bang Theory but I don't care. I am slowly learning and taking my time appreciating what's up in the sky. It's a beautiful thing and it makes me happy because I get to see and appreciate Allah's creation. It's so fascinating and beautiful. I am so grateful to be able to experience it. Maybe others won't understand how I feel but it's okay. This is what makes me, me.

According to Wikipedia, this is the definition of Nerd
"They may spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, obscure, or non-mainstream activities, which are generally either highly technical or relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities."

I guess I am one now.

So what is it that you are passionate about ? What makes you a nerd? :)

The what ifs

There will come a time in your life when you just kinda wonder the what ifs questions in your life. Having a statistics background I'd sketch a probability tree chart with all the possible events that might have occurred since post high school.

Everybody wanted to become a doctor in my class. Almost everybody did. Either a medical doctor or a doctor with a PhD. Some a very successful now and made it to the papers. I am very happy for them and I thought gawsh we used to sit at the back and slept through physics class together. It's so awesome to see where people end up now after so many years. So what if I did become a doctor? Although I know in my heart I don't have the brains, energy or thick skin to be one. Tgh darah pun dah nak muntah. Hahaha. I would probably be working this very minute I am writing this and still be working the time you are reading this. Ahahah  what if I continued working and didn't take that stop to pursue my studies, would my life be any different?  What if I didn't read that Friendster msg Ikhwan gave me asking to meet up for coffee? And after going through the list of all the what ifs in your head, things will start to get creepier. You just shake it off and come back to reality and present.

You conclude that there is no what ifs because things happen for a reason. You may not know it now but you will one. And the what ifs will then not matter anymore because things could have not gone any better.

Allah's plan are only the best.

the move, the boxes, Ikea and everything else

There's just something about opening boxes. The element of surprise, the anticipation, the pulling out the tapes from the box, the wait. it somehow feels like forever and time sorta pass by in slow motion till the moment you finish opening that box.

Since beginning of the year I have packed and unpacked about 200 boxes. I have moved twice in 2015 and it's only September. My whole life I have stayed at the same house since birth till I moved to Germany. And since then I have moved to 4 different houses. Ahahah people ask me, "it  must be stressful huh?" You think ? Haha but now I can laugh about it.

I guess there is just something about moving. What gets you motivated is the chance of starting a new life. It's like celebrating new year with a new resolution but you don't have to wait till new year's to do it. You'd wanna start jogging, have a proper routine, you'd wanna fill your new fridge with all healthy foods, have new kitchen stuff, new plates and new furniture. That's when Ikea comes in.

A trip to Ikea can be very tricky. You get all excited and start to imagine your house having that photo frames or scented candles that you don't need. You start filling your cart with all those small stuff like that vase that you so desperately need. Cause it's 15.99 je kan, why not? That's why my husband will always wanna come to Ikea with me. He will always say something like this, "do we really need another set of tupperware ke? Bukan dapo dah takde tempat ke". Towards the kitchen area tu laju je dia jalan. Hahaha.

And getting the items in Ikea. Hah. If you Watch that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon and her boyfriend pergi Ikea tu, memang it's so true. Couples will always bergaduh or keadaan tegang everytime kat hujung Ikea tu ahahah. It's like going on a roller coaster ride. During the showroom area you can see couples holding hands with dreamy faces, muka penuh sinar harapan. Tapi bila kat hujung tu mesti muka ketat je part nak amek barang and also nak load in the car. Hahahah. Happens everytime.

Well that's my story. I am here now in Erlangen again. I loved that house in Gmünd. Everybody knew everybody.kedai Turki dekat. Ada river. Life was like slow and steady. Rumah was awesome. Not to mention the houseowner is a good looking doctor who also owns a pharmacy and a part time modal and actor. Boleh tak? Ahahha

But this house is slowly starting to feel like home. And with that note I hope sangat I will get my mojo back, in writing.

On a different note, this day 10 years ago, me and Ikhwan went for bowling just as friends. And tengah gelak gelak buat lawak time main bowling tu, there was that one moment I thought, agaknya aku ni dgn dia mcm mane la lagi 10 tahun. Masih kawan ke, dah lost contact ke? It never occurred to me that we would be married, betapa nerd nya aku ahahah

But if ikhwan asks me, kalau kita pindah lagi u ok tak? For you yes, 1000 time yes eheehe